Friday, May 27, 2011

2 Days without Facebook

I always wonder, what was my life like, before facebook existed? What did I do to kill time? It's like I've totally lost all my memories of those pre-facebook/friendster/social network sites days. All I can remember was clicking away on my Asus (RIP) then Acer, on those quiet and peaceful evenings I had back home. Occasionally looking out the full-length window, staring blankly into space and sometimes at the fishes in the pond, thinking, "When was the last time this dirty filter was cleaned? Why is the water so dirty? I must clean it someday." but always ended up cleaning it like...1 year after those thoughts. And frequently also, "It's so dark here. I have to switch on the light." - Ended up not switching them on and I'll be sitting in the dark for hours, relying on the weak light rays from the lamps on fences outside. Procrastination. Pfft. As usual.

As far as I could remember, my first encounter with a computer was during kindergarten: I woke up after one of my usual afternoon naps, went to the study room and was shocked to find a big box there but dare not touch it. Cause it looked very "alien". Later, my brother unpacked it, put those big chunk of monitors and keyboards together, and thus, I was introduced, "This is a computer." Ah, a moment of enlightenment! The first game I played on computer (Before the era of internet) was some puzzles of Mickey Mouse photos. I dont know why, but I can remember this very clearly. And mom is always at the side, guiding me how to complete the freakingly easy puzzle which i found it sooooooo hard to put it together that time. And how I fumble with the "mouse" and keyboards that time.

Then, at primary 4, I remember signing up for my first email address. Which I have been using until few days ago, =.= I found my access to it was denied "due to some unusual activities." Tried to recover it, but failed, because the recovery code was sent to my yahoo email, which i had never even touch after signing up for it during primary 4, hence, you can't blame me for not remembering it. Sad. Until i find a way of recovering it, there goes my first email address. I'm currently using Gmail. still the same username just Oh ya, now i can remember. I was playing NEOPETS. (If anyone of you still remember or played that too...) It was a super cute online game, where you can keep an alien pet, feed it, play with it and play some mini games... But i sort of forgot my password after that, so there, my pet was left to die. What a bad owner...

Then, during form 2, the whole craze about blogging started to seep in. I do not know from where. But as far as i could recall, it was when I first read a "chicken rice shop in Kuching" post by kennysia, shown by my sister. It was not a trend during that time, among my circle of acquaintances and friends. Not until form 4, everyone started blogging. It was during form 4 also, it was the peak of my "blogging career". Earned money with it, met a few celebrity bloggers and posted like 3 or 4 posts a day. But SPM totally killed my interest for blogging. During form 5, i rarely went on blogs. Hence, the sharply deteriorated number of post that year. Or I guess I just don't like people stalking/peeking into my life this way, paranoid perhaps?

Until recently, when i started to activate/deactivating facebook, on and off, i started to have this urge, this adrenaline rush, to start blogging again. Not too much to talk about still, still having that paranoid feeling of people peeking here but hell, facebook provides even more information for stalkers. Occasionally, i would look back at my previous posts and think, luckily, i recorded these events down. :) At least, when this degenerating brain of mine don't remember those details, this blog is here to help me with it. If it somehow helped you (which i dont think it did...anyway just saying), Thank God then. :) I'm just happy I blogged.

Yes, back to 2 days without Facebook. This time, I deactivated it because I was having exam. And i found i spent too much time on facebook. Distractive. Like Hell. Of course I had tried going without it for weeks, but nowadays without facebook, your life, especially YOUR SOCIAL LIFE would be in chaos. It's like whatever we chat about in our daily life, it's something from facebook. Whether the 38 stories of a friend that someone had stalked on or news, it's all there. For example, the acid splasher incidents that happened around Subang recently, the incident of a China woman who had nothing better to do and attempted to attain fame by mocking every Malaysian Chinese on Facebook (congratulation, you have managed to find a way to "Fame") and the case of a secondary school girl who got bullied her classmates by cutting her hair. All were there. On facebook. even before they are on the news. Oh ya, and also the news of Osama Bin Laden being killed, it was on twitter then facebook, before it emerged as an official news from news stations. Yeap, people all around will be talking about them and if you don't have a facebook, you will be total blur, losing out on many daily conversations, got isolated, get emo, depressed and suicide. (Oh lols, slippery slope, this is going too far.)

One day, everyone will have a Facebook account, but not everyone will have a birth certificate.

Of course, without Facebook, these 2 days, I have sort of substituted it with YouTube. Ok, i know this is bad, but I have found a lot of interesting videos on YouTube. Oh ya, actually I've been roaming around celebrity blogs too...xiaxue,kennysia,timothytiah...blah blah one links to another. Thus, rather than caging yourself in your own social circle in facebook, it's nice to, once in a while, look at what's happening around the world. BUT, I'm not telling you to quit facebook and go to youtube. People quited facebook, got off the internet sphere, and be more actively involved in reality. The world under the sun. ;) You can go for sports, talk to more people in face, travel around, do crafts..... And never complain about not having anything to do... Those who said there are simply nothing else to do without Facebook, stop being so bloody lazy, go clean your wardrobe.

Well, it's easier said than done actually. I have re-activated my FB again after 2 days. :p

Thursday, May 26, 2011

9 Down, 4 more to go!

The pressure is obviously less now... :D Done with 3 weeks of exams and 2 more weeks to go...only practicals and paper 1s. I guessed i've been stuck in this room and exam venues for more than 4 weeks now (plus revision period). This is crazy. Any sane people would turn insane if this continues for few more months.

Today's chemistry practical marks the end of our LABCOAT DAYS :D (At least for college) Half happy: because no more practical exams. Half sad: Can't mess around with chemicals and scalpel and forceps anymore. booo.... Next week is our last physics practical exam. Dont know how will it go. Anxious? Not that fast, let me kick off that exam battle suit and turn off that mode for a day...need a break man, seriously. This is somehow a test of patience and perseverance rather than of knowledge. I wonder what other courses have exam period as long as A levels?

All my house mates (except my classmate) just started their exam few days ago, and today, THEY ARE ALL PACKING TO GO BACK. Sheeeeessshhhh...And I'm stuck with 2 weeks of exams ahead despite struggling for so long. Nevermind. Nevermind. Had trained up my hypnotic skills for this period of time. Good at hypnotizing my roommate and myself. No fears. She must have thought I've gone insane for repeating "You'll do well. I'll do well. We'll all do well. This is GREAT!!! I love statistics yeehaaa..." all day long. (I know you are reading this. :P you can shut me up if you like, but instilling optimism in you while providing laughters in between your cramming sessions is good for you, be grateful!)

*yawn* boring stuffs.

Sharing a video for anyone looking for inspirations:

Monday, May 23, 2011

Undesired Perfectionism

"You're a darn perfectionist!"
"No, I'm not, no. See, this is not perfect. That, I don't really care about while doing it. And this! Omg, this is what you call a perfectionist's work?!"
"Pfft...Obviously." smirks.......

Sometimes I just wish this trait does not exist in me. I'm very flexible in a lot of stuffs. Academic wise? I'm a mad OCD person. Sight, can't even fit a single, small, SILLY mistake. Yes, SILLY mistakes, that's what I always do. I sometimes do wonder if I have been through my past 19 years with consciousness or is it all just a blur? Something that I could not recall of, even after a few days the event happened. Am I? Did i just rush through everything? Maybe I am, seeing the memory of primary school or even early secondary are now just fading images, blurred away. It was just like yesterday, but no vivid memories of any events while peers can remember every single details of those funny, light-hearted moments. Is my brain degenerating? Perhaps I've watched too many dramas, I often suspect myself to have Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, eating myself up, part by part as I go through daily routines, without realising it. Until one day, when it's too late, the disease just BAM! strikes, and there I'm gone.

Yes, back to perfectionism in studies. To learn from mistakes, is what my parents always told me. It's ok to get it wrong. No big deal. Take the essence, the experience but forget the emotions. Sometimes I could get it, but most of the time, even a cross or a "0" on my homework would make me go crazy. This is bad. Really bad. And you know what the worst part is? Despite the desire of perfection, I could not achieve it. (No human is perfect, yes. Never try nailing it into my brain, it's impossible). I'll repeat the same mistake again and again, remember the emotion but not the experience. The pessimistic side grows. Crying over a spilled milk, has more or less became a habit.

BUT, is being a perfectionist in certain area really that bad? I mean, it makes me wanting to strive harder, hitting that practically unpractical goal, and when you really do, the sense of achievement is....more than anything in this world. It also helps in creating the quality part of whatever work you're doing. What do you think? I'm sure every person has this "psychological disorder". Your eyes, just CANT CONTAIN THAT SMALL IMPERFECTION. that small black dot over there. On the paper. In your memories.

Maybe, all these hardships, test, miseries I'm going through now, is God's way of blunting that side of me? So.confused.and.stressed.beaten up.after.every.paper.

note: Perhaps I should change the name of my blog to "The Mumbles of a Mad Fille"

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Not the right time

Clearly, it's not the time yet. I've learnt to observe and judge based on the shallow experience i had in this. Elders told me again and again, being the normal stubborn me, I'd never listen to any of those kind-hearted advices. Yea, as adventurous as a person could get, I will never really take it unless I've been through it, a.k.a. - Learn it the hard way. Of course, not drugs or alcohol or pre-marital sex, not even committing suicide or murdering a soul (mosquitoes do not have souls, do they?). But in this particular subject, I do not know, where on earth did I get all the courage to go through it, fall miserably, but get back and try again in no time. This is dumb, stupid and wasting my youth, yet, I've no regrets going through it.

The experience is priceless.

I've learn to see people behaved so foolishly but savor every moment of it. Learn to see how they act before and after it - you'll also be amazed how different a person could be when they are in it. From one extreme to another, I had also learnt no one is perfect. No matter how flawless a person is at first sight - time will be the teacher, the witness and the ever sought-after counselor - You're never right. There's always this flaw, this thing that the person could not get away with as sung by Lady Gaga, "Born this way."

I thought i was truly ready for it. But no, I'm not. I'm far too immature to be involved. Too weak and too timid, to step foot into it. Seeing things in a biased way, or maybe adolescence's illusions, no, I'm not gonna bet all my future into one. "Unless, it's God's will," I've once said, and still holding tight onto it. Not to use God's name in vain, but really, unless there is an intervention from Him, and He CLEARLY show to me, this is the right time, this is a perfect plan, something I've reserve for you, you can now proceed.

Until the day, I could stop picking on flaws, others' and mine. Or maybe not, never will.
I should say,
until the day, I could accept them sincerely.

note: The subject and objects are not in this passage at all. Will not disclose it. Apologies for confusions caused. :)