Monday, May 23, 2011

Undesired Perfectionism

"You're a darn perfectionist!"
"No, I'm not, no. no.no. See, this is not perfect. That, I don't really care about while doing it. And this! Omg, this is what you call a perfectionist's work?!"
"Pfft...Obviously." smirks.......

Sometimes I just wish this trait does not exist in me. I'm very flexible in a lot of stuffs. Academic wise? I'm a mad OCD person. Sight, can't even fit a single, small, SILLY mistake. Yes, SILLY mistakes, that's what I always do. I sometimes do wonder if I have been through my past 19 years with consciousness or is it all just a blur? Something that I could not recall of, even after a few days the event happened. Am I? Did i just rush through everything? Maybe I am, seeing the memory of primary school or even early secondary are now just fading images, blurred away. It was just like yesterday, but no vivid memories of any events while peers can remember every single details of those funny, light-hearted moments. Is my brain degenerating? Perhaps I've watched too many dramas, I often suspect myself to have Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, eating myself up, part by part as I go through daily routines, without realising it. Until one day, when it's too late, the disease just BAM! strikes, and there I'm gone.

Yes, back to perfectionism in studies. To learn from mistakes, is what my parents always told me. It's ok to get it wrong. No big deal. Take the essence, the experience but forget the emotions. Sometimes I could get it, but most of the time, even a cross or a "0" on my homework would make me go crazy. This is bad. Really bad. And you know what the worst part is? Despite the desire of perfection, I could not achieve it. (No human is perfect, yes. Never try nailing it into my brain, it's impossible). I'll repeat the same mistake again and again, remember the emotion but not the experience. The pessimistic side grows. Crying over a spilled milk, has more or less became a habit.

BUT, is being a perfectionist in certain area really that bad? I mean, it makes me wanting to strive harder, hitting that practically unpractical goal, and when you really do, the sense of achievement is....more than anything in this world. It also helps in creating the quality part of whatever work you're doing. What do you think? I'm sure every person has this "psychological disorder". Your eyes, just CANT CONTAIN THAT SMALL IMPERFECTION. that small black dot over there. On the paper. In your memories.

Maybe, all these hardships, test, miseries I'm going through now, is God's way of blunting that side of me? So.confused.and.stressed.beaten up.after.every.paper.

note: Perhaps I should change the name of my blog to "The Mumbles of a Mad Fille"

1 comment:

40 said...

mei you yi bai le >< haha.....