Sunday, July 31, 2011

Random #2

For each tear that I shed, I hope that it is not shed in vain.
Maybe because I am just such a dramatic person, or maybe because it hurts so much that I could not bear anymore. I thought...I thought.....I thought maybe, those tears will ease my pain.

But, I'm fine. I really am.
Don't worry.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Grateful for stress

This title may sound skeptical and absurd to many. But yes, I should, or at least try to be grateful for the tasks thrown onto me at the moment. With university application deadline, A2 trials and club activities just around the corner and many matters not settled, and that applies to spiritual and emotional sense. Priorities start to mess up and I could no longer think with a clear mind, no, I CANT EVEN THINK.

Children are imaginative, but as they grow up, surrounding influences mould them, restricting their minds but at the same time telling them to "think outside the box, think outside the box!" until the point that their shell hardened and they could not longer think ourside the box, colour outside the lines or even to think, for themselves. The number of university graduates has never fluctuate this high before in the recorded history before, yet, is the number of THINKING graduates at the same rate? Or have we stopped thinking for ourselves, but have become more tolerant and numb towards the information bombarding us at this so called golden age of technology advancement, becoming more accepting towards information without analyzing them critically or even think twice about them? We blamed the former scientists for creating so many formulas and calculations and for taking up the credits, leaving nothing for us, the latter generations to have something SO GREAT to venture and explore to contribute to the comfort of our children. But is there really nothing else? Or we are just not as intelligent as our ancestors, we worsen instead of becoming more refined?

Yes, so many thoughts running through my mind lately. I woke up this morning pondering, are God and services to His ministries starting to a back seat in my daily life? Rushing through activities and assignments without chance of catching a breath in between has left no space for me to talk to Him. I do not want to be one of those working adults who go to church services just to wait for it to end so they can fulfill their "responsibility as a Christian." I could pray to God and let Him handle all my worries and take away my burdens. But if i were to do sit there and pray only, my work is not going to be done! It will still be there as time passes. More of an excuse for procrastination? No. God listens and heal. He provides a place for us to rest, TO REST and not to slack. He will guide us through our daily life but we can not just sit there wait for food to magically appear. Of course, God can do that but He doesn't! Because believers are not suppose to be a bunch of lazy bumps who sits around and do nothing. We work to support our worldly lives just as Paul did but be careful not go overboard and be so fond and worried over wordly matters like clothes and food, nor let greed conquer you, but something just adequate to let you live your life and help others in need. God will provide, yes, He will. I am not sure how, but He will show you the way to do it when you are there. Have faith in Him.

So i got up and worked on my writing, frustrations started to build up. My mind blocked. I could not possibly get anything done at such devastated state! But a friend of mine told me, be grateful of those stress and opportunities to do those tasks! Do them for the glory of God and you will find joy in them if they are to His will. Indeed, be grateful, Christine, thank God for this. There are not many people who have the chance to enjoy the luxury of overseas education, nor studying in a prestigious college that are doing their best to prepare you for your future! Embrace times like this when you actually have the opportunity to work for them! Complete them at your best with great relish!

and stressful times like this will be aimless, bottomless tortures no more, rather, a chance to mature.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. (James 1: 2-7)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Hypersensitivity

Is it a blessing or a curse, to have be sensitive? or able to foresee snippets of the future?
How i wish I can be more numbed. blunt. that I won't be able to tell what others are thinking and perhaps, be more carefree.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Random #1

Thank God for putting so many nice and helpful people around me. They made me feel how lucky am I to be alive today. :)
And also, those who help me to grow, though their ways are not as favorable.

First Photo-shooting session

Went for my first ever photo-shooting session yesterday at Bandar Botanic, Klang with my ex-SAM classmate, Kit Shen. yay! Actually we were just doing a favour for a friend's friend to take photos for personal interest. Since I rarely have a chance (or actually never before) to go for a proper outdoor photo-shooting, I just tag along, and 'steal' some skills from the pros. There were 4 other photographers with us. Though, i admit, it was crazy, to travel this far, at this hour of the day (1.30 - 3pm) on a cloudless hot day, for an outdoor photoshoot. Had a severe headache after that. But not regretting, had a quite satisfying session. :D

one of the very few patches of clouds you can see on that sunny afternoon


This is Angeline.
Nice smile.

Being the usual mischievous teenagers, we purposely woke this cat up. Yawns like a tiger! :D

I've uploaded many other photos on my facebook. Please view them there.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Fairy tale

"Once upon a time......And they lived happily ever after."

Commonly perceived as the perfect example of optimist, though I doubt myself for this description, but maybe, I am as described. Always thinking of the best, hoping tomorrow will be a better day and BELIEVING miracles will happen one day. All are just matter of time. Leading a simple life and frequently "simple-minded", I'm a happy-go-lucky person. Never hold on to grudges on others for long, though I blame myself for certain stuffs until today, I will usually forgive those people after a good night sleep. Good in a way, that it is to my Lord's pleasure to forgive, but to a certain extend, I am easily bullied. I see that. But, i just don't know how to hold onto a matter, which up to my conscience until today, nothing seems to be worth being angry at over a long period of time. Just forgive, forget and lead a happy life! :)

I know. Life is not as simple as described. Many times, many events, many people, we could let go not.

Criticised by my landlady today, I started to take notice of this over-optimist disposition of mine. "You think everything so nice? You think you living in a fairy tale? You think you are cinderella? I tell you, many people out there are suffering! You are just one of the very few lucky ones!" It hit me. Yes, as i started to reflect back, my endeavors have been rather easy ones, as compared to others. The rewards and goals I have achieved do not seems to be proportional to the hard work I have put into. Others might have traded many sleepless nights to get what I have been gracefully blessed with. (though I may look hardworking, actually my mind is floating every where many times) Things...just come. Miracles....just happen. Stuffs that I really longed for....just roll over.

Feeling undeserving at many times, many moments, I thank God truthfully from the apex of my heart and am really grateful for whatever He has given me all this while, purely out of His grace. Yet I must clarify, I do take things for granted and act like an ungrateful bastard at infinite frequency. And also not forgetting my parents and siblings, for giving all the best they could ever afford. (my parents do play a major part in rooting optimism in me.)

So,
Should I move away from the "cinderella" mindset and come back to reality? Or should I keep my "excessive optimism"?

One matter of total certainty though - God loves us, more than any of us could ever imagine.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Palm reading

Once, there is a young couple. Both of them are 20 years old. Out of boredom, they decided to go for palm reading at the road side stall by that well-known palm-reader, who locals called him APEK. He is known to be very very very very accurate, especially interpretations on relationships matters.

They both sat down in front of Apek and the guy decided to go first. He lay his hands on the table, palms up, revealing all those fine lines on his hand, which will mystically reveal his future under Apek's interpretation.
After 5 minutes,
"So apek, how is it?"
"Hmmm...." apek frowned while looking even closer at his palm, "You have found your true love one year ago."
The guy smiled and looked at his pretty girlfriend who sat beside him. Yes, it was exactly one year ago, on his 19th birthday, they met each other and he fell for her since then. This apek is really good at this, he thought.
"Darling, your turn." So the girl put her hand on the table and let apek read.
The guy couldn't wait no more to know the results, so he started asking enthusiastically for the answer after while..
"How is it? how is it?" His eyes shinning.
"Girl, you will meet your true love exactly 10 years from now."

ouch.

thought of this while I was in the washroom....hahaha....

Another funny joke about palm happened during chemistry class today.
"Why is palmitic acid called palmitic acid?" Mr Lucas asked.
"Because it is contained in palm oil."
"Why is palm oil called palm oil?"
"Obviously because it's from a palm tree."
"Why is it called a palm tree then?"


"Because it looks like a palm."
*facepalm*

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bare emotions

It is only to certain people, true emotions are bared.
People don't behave like they usually do in front of others.
Hyper-sensitivity.
Integrity no where to be seen.
But it is only in front of these people,
the walls are destroyed,
imaginary bridges built,
connecting citadels of strong nations,
linking amazing souls,
in an awkward way to the world.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Mask timidity, fuse courage into reality

Coward - commonly viewed as a vice, an undesired character. In our society, it is absolutely discouraged. People are often encourage to be brave and bold, but at the same time courteous in dealing with matters or other beings. Timidity symbolizes weak, and just like in the natural wild world of living organisms (so it does in human world), the weak is to be eliminated and the strong ones stand out to claim whatsoever victories there are. But, is being a timid really that bad? (There goes that little voice inside my mind. :) )

I am a timid person.
A coward in almost every field of life,
except the guts to claim this label -
Coward.
Unless "motivated" by external sources or just being plain impulsive, I chickened out in almost everything. I certainly can't be sure of what people thought of me, but I'm sure some of you out there disagree with me, seeing as how I always try to argue and defend. Or rather, quarrelsome. But no, though i seem to face no difficulties in expressions but that little voice inside of me (which everyone has) is buried away under most circumstances. Scared to speak my thoughts, scared to be the first one to go for something and even scared to be the first one to raise up my hand in class even when it's nothing judgmental! It's always, "Let others go first. See if got people raise up their hands or not. See how is it first. I'm not sure laaaa...." And ended up, opportunity snatched away. Then, self-esteem was dampened..

I used to be a brave kid. A non-consequentialist.
"I do what I like, the way I want. I don't care about what you think. This is my way, stick to it, or stay out of my life."
Until i came out here and live on my own. Without the shelter and protection from parents, everything seems so different. Like a hunter searching for prey in the jungle, you don't know how the routes and structures inside, but just "trying your luck" and testing your skills though as little as you have. 2 steps forward; dub dub, you peeked around; you heard some weird noise somewhere in front; your heart skipped a beat; at the speed of light, retreating 1 step backward. And again, 2 steps forward, dub dub..... I'm always so uncertain about so many stuffs. so indecisive. All in the name of FEAR. I fear rejections, criticism and failures. Hence often resolved to blaming others. But clearly and fortunately, to my sane mind, I do notice that's destructive to my personal growth and do not build long-lasting relationships, be it friendship or lovers relationship.

Gathered up guts, prayed and turned up the volume of that little voice inside of me.
It was tampered. It's hurtful. I felt rejected and unappreciated. Demotivated and wanting to give up but, somehow did not in the end. So, I tried again. "Hey, listen to me!" Again, rejected. For a moment, I wanted to return to that comfort zone and continue life as a timid. No, even if I am a timid, I must find someway to mask it, or at least,learn to ACT not like a timid! So, I tried again and again. Sharpening that blunt side of me into something better. Yes, inside, I may be still that small little girl that's easily hurt and over-sensitive, but I am learning; Fear not, speak out. Practice it regularly and one day, it'll be a habit. And slowly, a trait that roots deeply within you, and courage is no longer a mask, but something that has fused into you. Alas, it will propel people around you, both your loved ones and your enemies, to not be the exploited group and stand firm on your ground. Besides, believe honesty is always the best policy. No point hiding your thoughts away with lies.

Of course, pride, on the other extreme is something not to be encouraged either. It blocks your sensitivity to your surrounding. It blinds you. It's sin in God's eyes! But i would not talk about that today because although I am entirely sure there's huge chuck of this element in me, my recent acts and personality inclines more towards the other end, thus my thoughts.

After all, achieving success is all about doing the ordinary extraordinarily well. Doing this part of daily encounters well enough counts too, right?