Friday, July 08, 2011

Mask timidity, fuse courage into reality

Coward - commonly viewed as a vice, an undesired character. In our society, it is absolutely discouraged. People are often encourage to be brave and bold, but at the same time courteous in dealing with matters or other beings. Timidity symbolizes weak, and just like in the natural wild world of living organisms (so it does in human world), the weak is to be eliminated and the strong ones stand out to claim whatsoever victories there are. But, is being a timid really that bad? (There goes that little voice inside my mind. :) )

I am a timid person.
A coward in almost every field of life,
except the guts to claim this label -
Coward.
Unless "motivated" by external sources or just being plain impulsive, I chickened out in almost everything. I certainly can't be sure of what people thought of me, but I'm sure some of you out there disagree with me, seeing as how I always try to argue and defend. Or rather, quarrelsome. But no, though i seem to face no difficulties in expressions but that little voice inside of me (which everyone has) is buried away under most circumstances. Scared to speak my thoughts, scared to be the first one to go for something and even scared to be the first one to raise up my hand in class even when it's nothing judgmental! It's always, "Let others go first. See if got people raise up their hands or not. See how is it first. I'm not sure laaaa...." And ended up, opportunity snatched away. Then, self-esteem was dampened..

I used to be a brave kid. A non-consequentialist.
"I do what I like, the way I want. I don't care about what you think. This is my way, stick to it, or stay out of my life."
Until i came out here and live on my own. Without the shelter and protection from parents, everything seems so different. Like a hunter searching for prey in the jungle, you don't know how the routes and structures inside, but just "trying your luck" and testing your skills though as little as you have. 2 steps forward; dub dub, you peeked around; you heard some weird noise somewhere in front; your heart skipped a beat; at the speed of light, retreating 1 step backward. And again, 2 steps forward, dub dub..... I'm always so uncertain about so many stuffs. so indecisive. All in the name of FEAR. I fear rejections, criticism and failures. Hence often resolved to blaming others. But clearly and fortunately, to my sane mind, I do notice that's destructive to my personal growth and do not build long-lasting relationships, be it friendship or lovers relationship.

Gathered up guts, prayed and turned up the volume of that little voice inside of me.
It was tampered. It's hurtful. I felt rejected and unappreciated. Demotivated and wanting to give up but, somehow did not in the end. So, I tried again. "Hey, listen to me!" Again, rejected. For a moment, I wanted to return to that comfort zone and continue life as a timid. No, even if I am a timid, I must find someway to mask it, or at least,learn to ACT not like a timid! So, I tried again and again. Sharpening that blunt side of me into something better. Yes, inside, I may be still that small little girl that's easily hurt and over-sensitive, but I am learning; Fear not, speak out. Practice it regularly and one day, it'll be a habit. And slowly, a trait that roots deeply within you, and courage is no longer a mask, but something that has fused into you. Alas, it will propel people around you, both your loved ones and your enemies, to not be the exploited group and stand firm on your ground. Besides, believe honesty is always the best policy. No point hiding your thoughts away with lies.

Of course, pride, on the other extreme is something not to be encouraged either. It blocks your sensitivity to your surrounding. It blinds you. It's sin in God's eyes! But i would not talk about that today because although I am entirely sure there's huge chuck of this element in me, my recent acts and personality inclines more towards the other end, thus my thoughts.

After all, achieving success is all about doing the ordinary extraordinarily well. Doing this part of daily encounters well enough counts too, right?

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