Sunday, February 26, 2012

Crazy

I am labelled as crazy/gila/abnormal/siao for almost every single day of my life, at least since college started. Through direct conversations, messages, texts etc. It is to the extend that I can write a book to tell you about the millions applications of this word, in many languages and dialects. Am I angry, annoyed or irritated when I get this? I was surprised at first, then confused. In my eyes, I act and talk normally. I eat, sleep, walk, like anyone else do. I do what you do, excluding the certain exaggerated bits done on purpose. Why do you call me crazy? No, I am not a single bit irritated by this label, at least I know I'm cool enough to allow the space for your sincerity and honesty.

"Madness is the inability to communicate your ideas. 
It's as if you are in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that's going on around you, but incapable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don't understand the language they speak there." 
- Paulo Coelho, Veronica Decides to Die. 

Sometimes, I wonder what your inner voice tells you. Mine talks to me all the time, from the second I gain consciousness (before I open my eyes) and sometimes in my dreams. I always talk about dreams, but I never fancy experiencing it. What if, it's bad and it's prophecy? I don't know. Many times, I tried to tune its volume down but it's mute button has somehow gone missing so I've learnt to live and talk to it, not verbally of course. I appreciate freedom away from Tanjung Rambutan, tyvm.
I yearn for a companion, someone who is like me but not exactly me. I yearn for a companion  who I can reason and argue with, and won't be annoyed if I ask many obvious, weird questions. A person who is interested in studying wide range of topics as I do. A person who likes books and would love setting up a library at home with me. A person who has the passion and thirst for knowledge as I do. A person who doesn't mind talking about astronomy, eschatology, biology, history or any geeky stuffs over dinners. A person who doesn't mind studying the whole day to seek for an answer. A person who teaches and is willing to be taught. Most of all, a person who understands my obsession in science. Science is not about manipulations or getting the datas; science is a way to reasoning. Yes, I long for a friend like this. 

I act crazy in front of people most of the time, it's because I don't know how to act otherwise. I don't know what to talk to people, for I know their interest is definitely not science (up to an accuracy of 99.9%) but I want to befriend you and I don't want to bore you. I absolutely love conversations with people, so I don't mind messing around and talk nonsense with people. It seems like having fun by being crazy is the easiest way to bring laughters to people around and I too, enjoy being immersed in those happiness. However, I must finally be honest with all of you that, that is not me, for if you are careful enough, you would have observed I am quiet or lost in my own world at times. I don't blame you for it because even my family members don't understand this at times as they sigh, shake their heads and look at my pile of books and scattered notes. My messy room. They just think I acted weirdly but have long ago decided to let me be, as long as I am happy. Thank God for a family like this.

Call me crazy, but let me reason with you. 

Come now, let us reason together, 
says the Lord: 
though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.
Isaiah 1:18

p/s: ok, I do like to be crazy, not because of anyone. Dare you to instill mediocrity in me! 

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