The moment we hung up, a sense of guilt and uneasiness crept in. Am I not the worst person ever to ask for an advice? Like a broken stereo, this question echoed in my head for hours. I was never an exemplary or model student in my mind, albeit the awards bestowed over the years, nor have I ever intend to be one. For each of these so-called achievements, I felt not much pride but more undeserving each time I am reminded of them. I doubted myself again and again, have I really worked for these? Based on my skills, knowledge and abilities, I would have never attain anything similar. (Further evidence: My ridiculously low IQ score) Every time I see what my peers did to have the same results, "They are all brilliant geniuses!" my heart screams, I feel smaller inside though I've never regard that as a bad thing because this small brain and the sensitive ego of mine tend to be blown up easily by that damning sin - Pride. Brief disparagement might be beneficial in this case, as a reminder that I am but a creation of my Creator, but not so much as to cause severe inferiority complex, as we are indeed created in His likeness. By having faith in God, we have the potential to achieve anything within His will, under His provisions. (as the lyric "No problem is too big for God to solve..." plays in my mind now). But the core problem still lies with: Why am I competing with others?
As I recalled on the days for my AS and A-Level exams, I tried to give "appropriate" advice. Save the effort of trying to a goody-good student in the public here. Be a hypocrite not, because the truth is I can't say that I have studied hard enough to achieve the results when in fact, I was slacking like a boss (as many would put it these days) prior to the agony of facing exams. The images that flashed through my mind were nothing but the days my crazy bunch of friends and I out in the city, shopping, eating and indulging ourselves, or should I say wasting our youths away, despite having Chemistry and Maths quizzes the next day. I felt a pang of regret instantly. What should I tell this junior? "Don't worry, stop studying and go enjoy yourself!" It's just crazy to give this kind of advice when I, myself know very clearly in my guts that these last-minute works don't work. Until this writing moment, I still can't figure out how I got those above average results in A levels because I was sleeping in almost every Maths class during my first semester! (I did tried to be alert by sleeping early and having shots of concentrated caffeine drinks, red bulls, none of them work.) Tell me those incidents that sent chills through my spine every time I thought of them are not miracles from God, then I don't know what those are. Plain luck? No, or as my Maths teacher, Mr Raja puts it, "Prove to me."
Because you hold the responsibility of every single advice given, when people consult you, you don't simply throw any words at them because dumb, insincere ideas will most probably spell disaster for those that meant well. You can mess your own life up, but please don't destroy others'.
Although I do regret, very infirmly, on those hours spent laughing away, but it could probably be the only period in my life which I experienced being a reckless, carefree youngster before I, by age, legitimately step into adulthood next year. Adolescence is, anyway, there for only once in a lifetime. I don't mind having something absurd to laugh with my old friends when we all sit side-by-side in those rotan-made rocking chairs next time, reminiscing other things other than work and serious matters. However, this call has serve another purpose well: to get me to start thinking and behaving like a sensible person so that next time, whenever someone asks me for an advice again, my voice pitch would remain stable and would say something truthful (based on experience) and pleasing to God. I would want to claim: We all had our crazy adventures yet in His love, we manage to get back on track with God, I have had a life well-lived.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.