And in the end, I chose to take up my responsibilities. This is an inevitable fact of growing up - to take up the responsibilities that you have been entrusted with, no matter what the cost may be, no matter how painful the process may be. It's yours, means you must never push it away. Face it, head on.
I've planned to go to Redang, to Penang and to Jayesslee concerts with my friends this coming end of month. Into the planning process, everything was progressing not so smoothly but the enthusiasm was never less, not even a single bit. We all looked forward to fun awaits! But, there are so many other factors to look after (time, money etc) that I can barely breathe upon looking at these details, then only I realise how bad my time management is and how lousy my communication skills are.
"But this is my gap year! My responsibility is to play!" I shouted when we were discussing on, or should I say, it was not even a discussion at all, all the decision were made before I make any noise at all. I resented, raged like a monster, complaining how unfair everyone is to me. Why aren't they going according to my plans? I've worked so hard on something I'm not even interested in, on something that I wished to quit as soon as possible, on something that I sigh and my heart drops every time I think of it, can't I claim back my rights?! or at least, my rewards?! I'm paying on my own ok, you are not suppose to boss over me.
Wait, pause for a minute, take a step back and... What am I talking? What are my priorities? Since when that MY pleasure has topped the list of priorities? Yes, the financial part is within my own means but are these pleasures beneficial for my growth, serving the people around or glorifying God? No! The resentment are because I'm afraid that I'll miss out the chance just to play!
So in the end, I took up my responsibilities. This means I will lose out the chance to go to those new places and spend more time with my friends but for what I have promised, I will do what I am supposed to do, even if it means I will have to watch my friends post up their photos on FB, posing by the crystal blue sea of those paradise. It's not that you are not allowed to play, to enjoy life and its pleasures, it's just...Set your priorities straight. You can enjoy, when you have planned everything properly (but do prepare for the unforeseen), then set aside the time to enjoy those stuffs because the centre of life should have never be, purely playing and enjoy wasting the time.
However, don't you think there are other matters that bring greater pleasures than your hobbies, travels?
It's the peace, the joy and fulfilment of that emptiness within the soul! Oh, do remind me how beautiful it is to enjoy such love from above! No other thing posses such serenity, such richness, such refreshing moments like worshipping and serving the Lord do. No, it's not a matter of impulse or temporary but more like filling a gap within with something...really long-lasting. I shall not go deep into that due to time constraint but I once heard from a senior, "I won't read my textbook until I've done my devotion and read the bible." We were all shocked by that statement that time, but isn't it true? I mean, humans are made to worship God and it is only through worshipping Him that we find true joy. If life is a pursuit of happiness, the answer is there, just reach out your hands and take it! There, by revealing the top of my list of priorities, I hope that I am now being held accountable openly and feel free to whack me as hard as you wish if you find I'm swaying away. Pray to the Lord that I will never drift away from Him. Be faithful, be faithful.
By keeping God in the centre then my responsibilities (studies, work and promises made to any beings) next, I do hope things won't mess up again. But then again, where do relationships stand? Above or below the responsibilities? :/